How to Spot the Reptilians Running the U.S. Government

As 12 million Americans "know," the United States government is run by lizard people (or, to be scientifically accurate, reptilians). But they never said which members of the government are the reptilians. So we're here to help.

Piecing together the latest groundbreaking research being conducted by commenters at conspiracy websites, we've been able to isolate a number of prominent individuals who possess reptilian-compatible bloodlines. As "ufochick" writes at DavidIcke.com (Icke is a prominent reptile theorist, as evidenced by his book at right), even if a person has compatible bloodlines, "they will not become a reptilian unless a reptilian entity inhabits their physical body."

Or maybe it isn't important. UnderstandingEvil.com describes how to tell if you're "under assault" by reptilians; "Protector of Mankind" writes at Alien-UFOs.com that you can be a "reptilian/human hybrid." It sort of varies. But according to Icke, this is how it works.

Thousands of years ago, the reptilian beings [from the constellations Orion, Sirius, and Draco] intervened on planet Earth and began interbreeding with humans. Not physically, however, but rather through the manipulation of the human coding, or DNA. Icke states that it is no coincidence that humans have fundamental reptilian genetics within their brain.

Whatever. The point being that it is easy to tell when you have or someone you know has been possessed by a reptile from outer space. While Icke doesn't describe how to spot someone who has been manipulated by/merged with a reptilian — probably to protect his lucrative speaking circuit revenues—others have. The common signs (according to one source):

	"predominance of green or hazel eyes that change color like a chameleon, but also blue eyes"		"piercing eyes"
	"true red or reddish hair"		"a sense of not belonging to the human race"
	"low blood pressure"		"deep compassion for fate of mankind"
	"keen sight or hearing"		"physic abilities" (probably meant "psychic")
	"ESP"		"unexplained scars on body"
	"UFO connections"		"capability to disrupt electrical appliances"
	"love of space and science"		"alien contacts"

Good list! So let's see if we can pinpoint our lizard overlords based on these hints. For example: Who has eyes that are green or hazel or blue but which may change to be different colors? Maybe you.

	Yes. Obama's eyes are usually not blue or green, but he can maybe change them, so, you know.
	According to his doctors, Obama has low blood pressure.		The Washington Post: "Compassion in Chief"
	The president doesn't wear glasses or a hearing aid.
			This video is conclusive, rational documentation of Obama's unexplained scar.
			Even his teleprompter sometimes breaks.
	He loves science, especially kid scientists.

Additional evidence: Barack Obama has an uncanny ability to assassinate flies. That is about as reptilian as you can get.

Verdict: The president is a reptilian.

	Biden does have eyes. Blue ones!
	(His hair, when present / not white, was dark colored.)
	His blood pressure is "healthy."		Sure, why not.
	Biden sometimes wears glasses, but not usually.
			Well, he has some explained scars.
	Three days after Biden took office there was a spike in UFO sightings in his home state.
	Yeah, he likes science.		Biden knows aliens.

Additional evidence: Here is an important video about Biden's reptilian eyes.

Verdict: The vice president is a reptilian.

	Yes.		Romney has piercing eyes, that are also clear.
	The doctors signed off on his blood pressure.		Romney cares.
	Yes.		According to the New Yorker, Romney is indeed psychic.
	Nope, according to UFO Digest.
	Romney is a noted arborist.

Additional evidence: In this scientific video, Romney is shape-shifting.

Verdict: Romney is a reptilian.

	Yes.
			Not an exaggeration: Gingrich would live at a zoo if he could.
	(He doesn't seem like he has low blood pressure.)
	Yes.		He may be psychic.
	Gingrich clearly has UFO connections, at least on the moon.		Gingrich is "disrupting" the cell phone industry.
	Gingrich has "silly" ideas about science. He loves Google Glass.		Hollywood says Gingrich is an alien.

Additional evidence: Here is your "Gingrich is a reptilian" video.

Verdict: Gingrich is a reptilian.

	Cruz has eyes.
	Cruz will also make DC listen.		Conservative site WorldNetDaily posits that Cruz is psychic.
	The senator has opinions about Space Invaders, but that's about it.
	Cruz opposed increased funding for NASA.

Additional evidence: An actual reporter called Cruz reptilian. So:

Verdict: Cruz is probably a reptilian.

	Kucinich has eyes.
	His wife has red hair, so we'll count it.
	Kucinich brags about his low blood pressure.		Yes.
	Yes.		(See: UFO.)
	(See: UFO.)
	Shirley MacLaine claims that Kucinich told her he'd seen a UFO and communicated with it telepathically.
	(See: UFO.)		(See: UFO.)

Additional evidence: No additional evidence is needed.

Verdict: Kucinich is probably the king of the reptilians.

	Yes.		Rumsfeld has piercing eyes.
	(No.)
	He wears glasses, but seems pretty keen-witted.		There are totally reputable claims that Rumsfeld worked with psychics while in the Pentagon.
			On his forehead.
	In early 2001, Rumsfeld warned of a "space Pearl Harbor."		The guy ran Area 51, however indirectly.

Additional evidence: Louis CK basically proved that Rumsfeld is a reptilian in a radio interview.

Verdict: Rumsfeld is a reptilian.

Are you a reptilian? Click the icons of any traits that apply to you, and then click "Calculate," below.

	Do you have green or hazel eyes that change color like a chameleon, or blue eyes?		Do you have piercing eyes?
	Do you have red or reddish hair?		Do you have a sense of not belonging to the human race?
	Do you have low blood pressure?		Do you have deep compassion for fate of mankind?
	Do you have keen sight or hearing?		Do you have physic abilities?
	Do you have ESP?		Do you have unexplained scars on body?
	Do you have "UFO connections"?		Do you have the capability to disrupt electrical appliances?
	Do you have a love of space and science?		Do you have "alien contacts"?

This post previously appeared on The Wire.

This article is from the archive of our partner The Wire.

Philip Bump is a former politics writer for The Atlantic Wire.

Connect Twitter