As 12 million Americans "know," the United States government is run by lizard people (or, to be scientifically accurate, reptilians). But they never said which members of the government are the reptilians. So we're here to help.

Piecing together the latest groundbreaking research being conducted by commenters at conspiracy websites, we've been able to isolate a number of prominent individuals who possess reptilian-compatible bloodlines. As "ufochick" writes at DavidIcke.com (Icke is a prominent reptile theorist, as evidenced by his book at right), even if a person has compatible bloodlines, "they will not become a reptilian unless a reptilian entity inhabits their physical body."

Or maybe it isn't important. UnderstandingEvil.com describes how to tell if you're "under assault" by reptilians; "Protector of Mankind" writes at Alien-UFOs.com that you can be a "reptilian/human hybrid." It sort of varies. But according to Icke, this is how it works.

Thousands of years ago, the reptilian beings [from the constellations Orion, Sirius, and Draco] intervened on planet Earth and began interbreeding with humans. Not physically, however, but rather through the manipulation of the human coding, or DNA. Icke states that it is no coincidence that humans have fundamental reptilian genetics within their brain.

Whatever. The point being that it is easy to tell when you have or someone you know has been possessed by a reptile from outer space. While Icke doesn't describe how to spot someone who has been manipulated by/merged with a reptilian — probably to protect his lucrative speaking circuit revenues—others have. The common signs (according to one source):


Good list! So let's see if we can pinpoint our lizard overlords based on these hints. For example: Who has eyes that are green or hazel or blue but which may change to be different colors? Maybe you.



Additional evidence: Barack Obama has an uncanny ability to assassinate flies. That is about as reptilian as you can get.

Verdict: The president is a reptilian.


Additional evidence: Here is an important video about Biden's reptilian eyes.

Verdict: The vice president is a reptilian.



Additional evidence: In this scientific video, Romney is shape-shifting.

Verdict: Romney is a reptilian.



Additional evidence: Here is your "Gingrich is a reptilian" video.

Verdict: Gingrich is a reptilian.



Additional evidence: An actual reporter called Cruz reptilian. So:

Verdict: Cruz is probably a reptilian.



Additional evidence: No additional evidence is needed.

Verdict: Kucinich is probably the king of the reptilians.



Additional evidence: Louis CK basically proved that Rumsfeld is a reptilian in a radio interview.

Verdict: Rumsfeld is a reptilian.


Are you a reptilian? Click the icons of any traits that apply to you, and then click "Calculate," below.

All done? Find out if you're a reptilian:
Yes, you are a reptilian.
Or have reptilian-compatible bloodlines or whatever. And here you were worried about a Halloween costume.

This post previously appeared on The Wire.

This article is from the archive of our partner The Wire.